If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm passing your future prison.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize
