Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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