if you like me you must not know who I am
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
