i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
he fucked my hip out of place.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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