two words: eviction party
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
