You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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