I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
