quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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