Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
