I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We talked him into tasing himself.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
