Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
