My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
