I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just pee around me
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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