I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
don't judge my taste in strippers
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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