why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
