the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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