I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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