i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
