She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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