Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
