Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
