Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
