my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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