U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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