she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
