The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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