I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
