We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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