You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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