my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
