Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
