Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
