Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
