Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
