You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
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