I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
