If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
