you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
