Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You left your phone here
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