I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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