Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
