i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
