I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
