i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
