Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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