i don't like sucking hair
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
