I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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