I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
