Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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