please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
