I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
