grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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