My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
