she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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