In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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